By: Larry Dwyer
Okay, I know that youÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢re going to think that IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢m biased because most of you have seen my video bashing the original ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œV/H/SÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â and have seen my countless Twitter posts about my dislike for that movie. ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œWho in their right mind would let Larry review another ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œV/H/SÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â movie?!?ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â you may be asking yourself. Well, I promise you that I managed to put my loathing for the original aside so I could give this one a fair shake. As a matter of fact, a few people whose opinions I trust told me that this one was way better that the first so I was actually (sort of) excited to see it.
So letÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s take this story by story, shall we?
ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œTape 49ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â or ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œThe Wrap-Around StoryÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â
Remember those annoying tools from the wrap-around of the first ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œV/H/SÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â? Good, well hereÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s a slightly less annoying version of them. As expected, the wrap-around is as devoid of plot as it is of scaresÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¦even more so than the last movie. Do you remember the wrap-around from ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œTales from the Darkside: The MovieÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â with Deborah Harry preparing to cook the little boy? Just goes to show that wrap-around stories can actually be entertaining. It seems that this franchise has never seen that little film because they have a hard time making a meaningful wrap-around.
ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œPhase 1: Clinical Trials
IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ve read how people are hailing this short as an incredibly original story. A guy loses his eye in a car accident and a doctor is able to implant a bionic eye which allows him to see again, with a catch. The catch is that the doctors can see and record all that he sees. What he starts seeing are dead people. And then he meets up with a girl who has a bionic ear and she can hear dead people. According to the girl these dead people are violent and screwing is the only way to make the ghosts go away (?) so the couple screws and then they are both killed by ghostsÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¦yeah, great plan. There is no reason given for why the bionic parts summon dead people. Also no reason as to why they want to harm people with bionic parts. This film is all about jump-scares and is lacking in any sort of actual story. As for the ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œoriginalityÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â, check out ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œThe EyeÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â by the Pang brothers. Also, I really donÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t feel bad about ruining this story with spoilersÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¦sorry.
ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œA Ride in the ParkÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â
With the popularity of ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œThe Walking DeadÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â, someone almost had to write a zombie story for this movie so the guys responsible for ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œThe Blair Witch ProjectÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â went for it. IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢m a sucker for a zombie film so I actually kind of dug this one. A nice enough guy is preparing to go biking through the woods (with a camera on his helmet, of course) when he is attacked by zombies. Nothing that happens next breaks any new ground; itÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s a zombie outbreak. ThereÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s a cool little scene where the undead crash a childrenÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s birthday party but again, nothing new here. Move along.
This seems to be everyoneÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s favorite of the bunch and I get itÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¦at least I did for a while. Religious cults freak me the fuck out so this started off as scary to me right from the get-go. This story focuses on an Indonesian David Koresh-type who apparently has a compound full of followers and heÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s agreed to let a camera crew in to take a peak around. This guy claims that ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œparadiseÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â is real and that it exists on this plain and that he and his followers are closer to obtaining it than any who have come before them (you already know that this isnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t going to end well). Without going into too much, because you really should check this one out for yourselves, things quickly escalate to a bloody goriness that one doesnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t see too often. This is seriously one deranged little story and I was on board with it until the appearance of the hokey Minotaur. Or maybe it was a demon. Whatever it was, it looked like it stumbled off of the set of ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œJason and the ArgonautsÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â and it brought potential of this short to a screeching halt for me. Oh, well.
ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œAlien Abduction Slumber PartyÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â
As if the title of this one isnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t bad enough, they had to go ahead and actually show me a movie about an alien abduction at a teen slumber party that was filmed with a camera that was strapped to the family dog. Who in the blue fuck thought that this was a solid idea? How do I describe it? Kids are running around, playing pranks and then all of a sudden thereÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s a loud noise and a bright light and then aliens come out. Whatever. Never have I wished so bad to watch Richard Dreyfuss make another mashed potato mountain at the dinner table. This one is pure failure.
So, there you have it. Out of five stories (counting the wrap-around), I liked 1 Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â¾ of them and the one that I liked in full, I liked only because IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢m a sucker for the zombie genre. I really donÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t understand the fascination with these films but IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢m all about whatever brings the horror genre to the mainstream so more power to them; keep making the films and keep promoting horrorÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¦just donÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t expect me to be nice when I think that the vast majority of your film is crap.
Stay gory, my friends.