I’ve been thinking for a while about which horror movie characters really get on my nerves. I even posted about it on the HorrorNewsNetwork Instagram account a few months ago and got some good responses which made me happy to know that I’m not the only person who can get supremely annoyed by fictional characters. So, after some deliberating, discussions with friends and suggestions from Instagramers, here is my top ten list of characters who we probably weren’t upset to watch die (if indeed they did).
Let’s start with Stuart Macher. In 1996’s blockbuster Scream, Matt Lillard plays a guy that I’d actually pay money to punch in the throat; seriously, I’d open my wallet for the chance to take a poke at this guy. Everything about him makes me twitch with anger. From the way he talks, to the way he acts, to the fact that he’s dating Rose McGowan..just seriously fuck this guy.
In 1981’s sequel to the greatest slasher flick ever made (Halloween), Leo Rossi plays Budd. Budd was the paramedic partner of Jimmy who kept trying to get with the injured Lauri Strode (annoying in itself). This is one of those super-confidant ugly guys who thinks that they know everything about girls and is not afraid to tell you all about it. In short, he is most certainly a date-rapist . Also, they didn’t show his car but I guarantee it was a Firebird or a van with velvet curtains. I’m glad that Michael strangled him while his girlfriend was scalded to death in a hot tub. Yeah, I said it.
The entire cast of The Blair Witch Project. Yes, all of them. Never before has a movie got me so hyped up only to send me crashing to Earth with the amazing suckiness of it. Enough about the movie, let’s talk about the cast. Heather was an over-bearing, annoying piece of crap. Mike was a dick who threw their map away and Josh was just blah…I think his bloody teeth had more presence than he did. I honestly couldn’t have cared less about the fate of any of them and that’s a problem.
Let’s talk for a second about Bill Paxton’s character, Private Hudson in Aliens. Has there ever been a more frightened and whiney character than this? Yes there has but one who is supposedly a Marine? No. Never. As soon as the creepies show up, this soldier turns into a panicky pile of pussy. “That’s it man, game over man, game over! What the fuck are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do?” He was much tougher as Chet Donnelly in Weird Science. Even after he was turned into a pile of shit, he still had an attitude.
Paranormal Activity. Micah, even your name annoys me. Dude, have you really never seen horror movies? Don’t you understand that if there’s a demon in your house, it’s time to leave? Not this guy, “I know! Let’s throw some flour on the ground so we can see the hoof prints!” HOOF PRINTS. “Ooh! Let’s get a Ouija board and have a conversation with it!” At what point do you realize that it’s time to get the fuck out of dodge? Thankfully for us, Micah never realizes it and loses his life. Yay!
Bill Freeburg in Freddy Vs. Jason. Really? An unfunny Jason Mewes rip-off? Alright, he had one funny line in the movie. After seeing Jason kill a slew of tweens, “Dude, that goalie was pissed about something.” Other than that, this kid can kick rocks. No time for cheesy characters in my cheesy cross-over movies.
On to Ed (played by James Karen) from The Return of the Living Dead Part 2. This guy was all guts while he was cutting the fingers off of corpses to steal the jewelry that the deceased was buried with. “Oh wait, the dead are coming to life and I’m getting sick?” Instant whining and moaning. What happened to the tough grave-robber? Pathetic.
Freddie Harris in Halloween: Resurrection. Over twenty years were spent convincing the horror die-hards that Michael Myers was a truly unstoppable figure. When I was a kid, my friends and I would argue over who would win in a fight: Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers? Freddy Krueger or Pinhead? Most of my friends (including myself) held Michael up as the toughest of them all. And then comes this movie where some annoying fuckwad played by Busta Rhymes kicks Michael’s ass with some shitty karate moves and electrocutes him? Fuck outta here! I’ll just pretend that it never happened.
Oh, Shelly from Friday the 13th Part 3, how do I loathe you? Let me count the ways: 1. You play practical jokes that aren’t funny. 2. You have an afro which could be cool but not on you. 3. You desperately seek the approval of others and when you don’t get it, you whine like a five year old girl with a skinned knee. Oh, you can juggle? Fuck you. His only saving grace is that he was the source of Jason’s first hockey mask. Don’t give me the “he stood up to the bikers” bullshit; I’m not hearing it.
This here, kids, is the cream of the crop. While this list is in no particular order, this clown is definitely number one. For my money, it really can’t get any more annoying than Franklin Hardesty in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. If it’s wrong to hate the handicapped, then Franklin makes me wrong as hell. Any adult that blows raspberries when not playing with a child can seriously fuck right off. All this annoying piece of whale shit does is whine and complain. I’ll tell you something else, for someone who’s handicapped, he sure as fuck doesn’t seem to be able to figure out how to maneuver his god damned wheelchair. It’s a wonder someone in the van didn’t kill him; I don’t think that I could have held out. I have personally never been so satisfied seeing a chainsaw being driven into someone.
Well kids, that’s my list. I’m sorry (not sorry) if I seem so angry but these characters really bring out the worst in me.
Stay gory my friends,