By: Larry Dwyer
Someone made mention of my recent article ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œThe Ten Most Annoying Characters in HorrorÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â and they asked, ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œWhat about annoying moviesÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â? It got me thinkingÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¦not so much about annoying movies but about movies that really disappointed me; films that I waited anxiously for and expected great things from but when I finally saw them I felt generally let down by. So I made a list. Originally a much longer list than the one youÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢re about to read but a list that I feel really gets to the meat of it.
Halloween 3: Season of the Witch (1982)
I remember seeing the previews on TV for this movie when I was nine years old and being super excited. IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢d already been watching horror for a few years and Michael Myers was my favorite killer. I begged my father to take me to see this in the theater. I remember him saying no over and over as I begged and pleaded; finally, I just gave up on asking. One night, after it was released and IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢d probably forgotten all about it, my father said that we were going out for ice cream after dinner. It was just him and me since my mom was a waitress and was working until closing. Well, we didnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t go get ice cream, he took me to the old Merrit Theater on Main Street in Bridgeport to see ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œHalloween 3ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â. I remember being so excited that I thought I was going to piss my pants! We had our popcorn and sodas and we sat down for the movie. The lights went out and I waited for that famous John Carpenter music to cue MichaelÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s arrivalÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¦and I waitedÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¦and waited some more. Finally the ending credits rolled and I started crying. I was in such a state that my father had to carry me out of the theater. Imagine a nine year old crying because Michael Myers was not in a movie. I felt betrayed and hurt. As the years have gone by, IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ve heard people say, ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œWell, as a stand-alone movie, itÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s really goodÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â; well you can sell that shit to the tourists because that movie made me cry and IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ll never forgive them for it.
Friday the 13th Part 5 (A New Beginning) (1985)
Another huge bum out but at least I didnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t make my father drag me to the movies for this one. So, do you remember that kid Dudley that was almost molested by Mr. Horton on the 80ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s sitcom ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œDiffÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢rent StrokesÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â? Well, for some reason they jam this weird kid into this movie and make him the hero by being the only one who is able to stop Jason. The adults canÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t do it but this little shitheadÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s got it covered. Oh, and look! ItÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s an imposter Jason to boot! Get the fuck outta here with this steaming turd.
This movie made this list not because it sucked, because it was not that terrible; it made it because it was way too hyped up in my mind and I felt that the end result was an incredible let-down. I remember the day that my friend Jay Farmington originally sent me a link to the trailer in a ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œholy shit, look at this!ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â type of tweet. The preview got so much play that fellow HNN staffer Sean McLaughlin and I almost came to blows over who was going to get to cover it. Well, thankfully we didnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t have to fight as staffer Sean Brickley was given the nod to review itÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¦and review it, he did. If youÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ve seen his review, I think we can safely say he that he enjoyed it; ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œV/H/SÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â is apparently one of his favorite movies of all time and thatÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s fine! Was ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œV/H/SÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â terrible? No, not by any stretch of the imagination; it had its good parts but it also had its bad bits. The problem was that I allowed myself to get worked up into a near frenzy about this movie and it just didnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t live up to my expectations. On a side note, if you ever talk to Sean Brickley, ask him about how I live-texted him throughout the entire movie; he was not amused.
Rob ZombieÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s Halloween 2 (2009)
LetÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s put aside the truckload of problems that I have with ZombieÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s first remake of ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œHalloweenÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â and focus solely on this hunk of shit. I donÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t make a habit out of going to the movies by myself and I canÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t remember the exact reason why I went solo to this one but I do take solace in the fact that I did not convince anyone to sit through this nightmare of a film with me. What the fuck was going on in this movie? Was that a unicorn? WhatÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s the point? On second thought, letÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s not discuss it at all. LetÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s just pretend it didnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t happen. Nothing to see here folksÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¦move along.
Land of the Dead (2005)
ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œHoly shit! Romero is coming back to the zombie genre!ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â This was RomeroÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s first return to the genre since 1985ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œDay of the DeadÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â. Fanboys the world over were excited for this and so was I. As more word got out about the cast, people became even more excited: Dennis Hopper, John Leguizamo and my personal favorite, Asia Argento. This HAS to be great, right? Wrong. Look, I understand what Romero was going for here and I know that most people feel that this is a good movie but I was far too annoyed with the ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œBig DaddyÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â zombie character to focus on the good that was elsewhere in this film. I know that George was trying to show the evolution of the zombie and this was the next logical step from ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œDay of the DeadÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢sÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â Bub, but I just wanted to put a screwdriver through this annoying bastards head and end the whole zombie rebellion. Also, weÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ll not discuss RomeroÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œDiary of the DeadÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â as I refuse to acknowledge it as an actual movie.
28 Weeks Later (2007)
Much to HNN staffer Sean McLaughinÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s chagrin, I really liked ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œ28 Days LaterÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â. His issue stems from people referring to this as a zombie movie and his hatred of ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œfast zombiesÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â. ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œ28 Days LaterÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â was not a zombie movie; these were infected people. I really thought that the tension of the first movie along with the time spent building and making us care about the characters went a long way to making a great ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œinfectedÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â movie. Now onto the sequelÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¦pure fuckery. There was zero time spent building characters and I didnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t care what happened to any of the people in this movie and because of that, it lacked any real scares or emotion. That coupled with how much I loved the first installment made this a sincere disappointment for me.
The Blair Witch Project (1999)
OhhhÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¦.here we areÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¦the bane of my fucking existence. If you donÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t remember, or are too young to, this movie was built up as a true story. TV stations were running fake documentaries that were posed as real docs interviewing locals who knew of the supposed ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œBlair WitchÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â. I remember people talking about it and I remember a good deal of them thinking that this was really found footage from an ill-fated attempt to blow open their local urban legend. Let me tell you, I was hooked. The documentaries were chilling and the trailer was scary as hell. There was no way that I was missing this movie. I went so far as to call out sick from work to make sure that I could grab tickets for opening night for me, my girlfriend and some other friends before they sold out. Opening night and we were there, man. There was actually news crews stationed outside of the theater waiting to interview people and get their reactions as they came out. IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢m telling you, this was a big deal. When the movie was over and I left the theater, I was lucky enough to be one of the people that our local news asked for a reaction. My quote?: ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œIÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢m still waiting for the scary part.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â ThatÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s itÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¦IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢m still waiting. Three dumb kids walking around the woods in circles, throwing their map in the creek and getting scared shitless by shaking tents and piles of sticks. Fuck you, Blair Witch.
Well thatÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s it, guys. As I mentioned at the start, there were a few more movies that I originally had in my list, ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œCloverfieldÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â and ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…â€œI Am LegendÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â being two of them, but weÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ll save that discussion for another day.
Stay gory, my friends.