On April 13th, 2012, the geniuses that are Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard gave the world The Cabin in the Woods…and the world has never been the same since. Taking loads of inspiration from the horror movies they obviously love (The Evil Dead being just one), Whedon and Goddard took a classic, even cliche horror premise and turned it on its ass.
The Players…
Again, so typical that you’d make fun of just how cliche it is if you didn’t know just how brilliant it was. The jock (Chris Hemsworth), the slut (Anna Hutchison), the virgin (Kristen Connolly), the scholar (Jesse Williams) and the fool (Fran Kranz). But wait…there’s more. Let’s not leave out Mordecai (Tim DeZarn) the surly gas station attendant who tries to warn the group off of their trip or the phenomenal technicians who are in charge of running the ensuing shenanigans (Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford).
The Story…
Five college students head to a remote cabin in the woods for what they hope will be a good time. While playing truth or dare they discover a basement which they go down and there are all sorts of goodies for them to play with, one being a diary with parts in Latin (never a good idea to read aloud). Of course, they end up inadvertently summoning some bad shit. Meanwhile, in the “control room”, the technicians are watching all of this, not to mention placing bets on what they will summon, and also controlling the kids libidos and their ability to think properly by pumping different gasses into the cabin.
The Monsters (Part 1)…
The monsters that our kids end up summoning are The Buckners aka Redneck Zombie Torture Family (you can see them on the gambling board above, it looks like maintenance picked them in the pool). These are your typical slow-moving undead-type but they seem freakishly strong and all have some old farmer-type weapons.
The Elevator…
Here’s where this shit gets awesome. Now, don’t get me wrong…this movie kicks ass the entire time but this part really blew me away. A few of the kids escape the Buckners and stumble upon an entrance to the control room. While in there, they discover an elevator which is basically an elevator from hell. Essentially, the elevator is a large system of containment units which contains all of the possible creatures that can be summoned to the cabin. First we see a Pin-head type creature in the glass elevator in front of them but then the camera pulls back to reveal the huge system of elevator cars.
The Monsters (Part 2)…
Whoa boy. So, you see all of those monsters in all of those elevator cars above? Well, we get to see most of them pour out and royally fuck up the folks working at this underground lair. Zombies, clowns, snakes, werewolves, faceless ballerinas, ghosts, a merman and a fucking unicorn. If ever there was a scene that needed to be seen to be believed…this is it.
The Ending…
I’m going on the assumption that all of you who are reading this have already seen the movie and I can discuss the crazy ending. So our two heroes, the virgin and the fool, seemingly escape all of the chaos only to be told by the director of the facility (Sigourney Weaver) that this exercise has been played out countless times in many countries, for many centuries in order to appease “the old gods” who once ruled this land and are only stopped from destroying Earth because of the sacrifices that are offered to them through this ritual and all of the rituals like it across the world. She tells them that to save the world, the fool must die. Instead the director is killed by one of the Buckners and the virgin and fool smoke some weed while the ancient gods destroy the world.
Final Thoughts…
Usually big budget horror movies are a drag…too many jump-scares, horrible CGI, etc. The Cabin in the Woods is a huge exception to that rule. Movies that can be scary, funny and gory all at the same time (think Shaun of the Dead, American Werewolf in London, etc.) will always win me over when done properly and Cabin was certainly done properly. If you haven’t seen it (and shame on you for reading this far if you haven’t), please see it immediately.
Stay gory my friends,
Larry Dwyer
